Only Jesus

At some point during quarantine, I stopped reading my Bible every day. 

Not because I was mad at God. Not because I didn’t want to. It was because I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus long enough to read two sentences. 

First, a global pandemic stopped all of our plans. Then Ahmaud Arbery was murdered. And then Breonna Taylor. And then George Floyd. And then everything went dark. And life got heavy. 

I didn’t have to watch a video to hear the phrase “I can’t breathe” ringing in my head. I couldn’t breathe either. 

*****

In the last few weeks, social media became an enemy I couldn’t separate myself from. I saw people I care about telling the world that they don’t care about people who look like me. People who look like me judged me harshly for a small mistake. I watched strangers attack each other’s words and businesses and livelihoods. 

Every one of these situations involved Christians.

I was disheartened. If the Church can’t lead us down the road to reconciliation, who can? 

The answer is obvious now. Only Jesus.

*****

Yesterday, during my kids’ quiet time (which is never ever quiet), I turned on my worship playlist. 

I needed what only Jesus could give.

The first few songs were interrupted by walking Avery back to her room more times than I had patience for and telling Harper that no, she could not have another snack. And then “Lean Back” by Maverick City Music came on. 

You’ve brought me here to rest.

Given me space to breathe.

So I’ll stand still until it sinks in.

I put my phone down, closed my eyes, raised my hands, and took a deep breath. 

I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father.

Breathe deep and know that He is good. 

He’s a love like no other.

I remembered that God is the only one who will never let me down. I’ll never open the Bible and find a scripture that says He only cares about some of the people He created. He’ll never stop walking with me, listening to me or loving me because of a mistake. Or 1,000 mistakes. He’ll never cause me to lose everything because of my sin. Jesus already did that.

Now I can see your love is better 

Than all the others that I’ve seen.

I’m breathing deep of all your goodness

Your loving kindness to me.

By the end of the song, all of my children were out of their rooms, running circles around me, but my arms were still raised and my eyes were still closed. And I was breathing deeply again. 

*****

I woke up this morning, placed the kids in front of the tv and headed into the kitchen. I opened my Bible on the counter, right next to the bacon and eggs, and turned on my worship playlist. I read and worshipped and prayed in the midst of it all and had no trouble focusing.