First Love

Harper and I have a special bedtime routine, just the two of us. We put “the babies” to bed and then her and I stay up just a few minutes longer to read books together. We start with a short picture book, then read a chapter from a longer book (we’re reading Charlotte’s Web right now), and we finish with a story from her children’s Bible. A few nights ago, we read a story about Jesus ascending into heaven and waiting for us there. 

“What are you going to do when you get to heaven and meet Jesus?” I asked.

“There’s going to be a stage and I’m going to stand on it. I’m going to sing and dance. Jesus is going to love it!” 

My heart could burst just re-typing that. But in the moment, I felt something unexpected. I felt jealous. Jealous that my four-year-old loves Jesus in a way that I haven’t been able to grasp. She loves Him and believes in Him with her entire being. I threw my back out a few weeks ago and was near tears in pain. She walked over to me and said, “Let me pray for it. Jesus, thank you for mommy’s back. Do you feel better? Jesus healed you.” She walked away and forgot all about my back because she knew I was healed. There have been other times when she has randomly proclaimed, “I love Jesus so much!” 

I believe in Jesus the way I believe that my name is Jerrell. I trust Him with my life and believe that I will meet him in heaven when my time on Earth is done. But I honestly can’t say that I’ve loved Him in the way that I love my husband or my children or my parents. Typing that, and thinking about that over the last few weeks, has brought me immense shame. I’ve prayed and prayed: Jesus, help me to fall in love with you. Give me a child-like faith and dependency on you. Bring me closer to your heart and teach me how to love you.

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At the end of last year, I ran out of excuses about why I never had time to read my Bible. I’m years away from having all three kids in school full time, and that’s if I don’t have any more, so I had a choice: make room for Jesus in the midst of motherhood or continue to live in the mess until at least 2024. And I’m not talking about the mess of crayons and Lucky Charms covering my kitchen table right now. I mean the mess of a life without God at the helm. A life where I fight with my husband over every little thing and lack grace for my children. A life where I feel lost, disconnected and depressed.  

I started reading the word consistently and things started to change. I had more patience. I re-connected with my husband. I started writing again. But I still didn’t feel the love. I knew God loved me, and I felt that love, but I couldn’t figure out how to reciprocate. I just kept praying that prayer: Jesus, teach me how to love you.

Three months into this new routine, my husband was starting a fast and asked me to join him. Whenever I hear someone mention starting a fast, I run as fast as I can away from the conversation (self-control isn’t my strongest suit), but this time I decided to join him. I chose to fast from candy and sweets because I’ve been addicted to sugar for years. And if it was bad when I was younger, it has become a legit problem since having children. When I was up all night breastfeeding, I would eat my way through bags of candy to stay awake. When my kids were giving me a hard time, I would text Sam and ask him to bring me all of my favorite candy so I could drown my frustrations after they went to bed. I went to sugar any time I was feeling any emotion. I was afraid, and truthfully didn’t want, to give it up, but I knew that fasting from something that had a true stronghold on my life would give me the best opportunity to connect with God. The only way I was going to make it through this would be to replace my hunger for Ghirardelli Milk Chocolate Caramel Squares with a hunger for God. And in doing that, I would come into a deeper relationship with Him and learn how to love Him. 

I’m now seven days in and it is still hard, but I’m growing deeper in my relationship with Jesus every single day. He has sustained me and revealed himself to me through this. He has blessed my marriage and my family. And today, finally, He taught me what it means to love him. I was reading Psalms 42 at the kitchen table while my kids ate breakfast. I sipped my coffee, hoping it would dull the headache I had been nursing for a full week, and read verses 1-2:

“As a deer longs for flowing streams,

so I long for you, God,

I thirst for God, the living God.

When can I come and appear before God?”

Ella threw scrambled egg on the floor and the big girls fought over crayons next to me and I laughed to myself thinking about how the Psalmist probably meant, “when can I get away to be with you alone?,” but I kept reading.

“Send your light and your truth; let them lead me.

Let them bring me to your holy mountain,

to your dwelling place.

Then I will come to the altar of God,

To God, my greatest joy.

I will praise you with the lyre,

God, my God.”

Psalms 43:3-4 (CSB)

Right there, in that not-so-quiet moment, God revealed the answer to me. This is what it means to love God. When we long for Him, when we can’t wait to “come and appear” before Him. When we wake up to pray while it’s still dark outside or open our Bibles in the midst of the breakfast chaos because we know we won’t make it through the day without Him. That’s love. And when we crave that time above all else, that’s when we make him our first love. First doesn’t have to mean that we fell in love with Him at four years old, the way my sweet Harper has. It doesn’t matter that it took me nearly 34 years to figure this out. If I allow Him to take his proper place in my heart and in my life, loving Him will naturally flow out of that. I wrote the following prayer in my journal this morning after I realized this monumental truth and I encourage you to pray your own version of it today. 

 Jesus, 

You are first over my husband. You are first over my children. You are first over my parents and my siblings, my grandmother and my friends. You are first over my cell phone. First over my writing. First over books and coffee and chocolate. You’re first over my dream home and that stroller and all of the other things I’m constantly wanting to buy. You are first in my life and in my heart. And I will make the time to come and appear before you. I will find my way to your dwelling place each and every day. I know you don’t mind the baby squeals and sister squabbles in the background. Help me to seek you first in everything. Always. 

Amen